Learning how to forgive yourself isn’t always easy.
We all have moments we’d rather forget. A conversation we wish we’d handled differently. A relationship we stayed in too long. A moment when we hurt someone we loved. Or perhaps a decision that changed the course of our life.
Why Is It So Hard to Forgive Yourself?
When those memories keep popping into your mind, they can bring feelings of guilt, shame, regret and remorse. Before long, you’re replaying the same experience over and over, wishing you could go back and change it.
But here’s something I encourage my clients to think about.
Rather than seeing these moments as mistakes, try seeing them as experiences.
That tiny shift in language can make a huge difference.
Every experience, whether it felt wonderful or awful at the time, taught you something. It helped shape the person you are today. That doesn’t mean you have to like what happened. It simply means you can stop defining yourself by one moment in your past.
And that’s where self-forgiveness begins.
Did You Really Do the Wrong Thing?
People often tell us to “do the right thing.”
But what does that actually mean?
Imagine you’re rushed off your feet at work. A colleague comes to you in tears because they need to leave early due to an emergency at home.
Another colleague tells you to “do the right thing.”
Does that mean:
- Let your colleague leave and stay late to cover their shift?
- Tell them to speak to the manager first and let them decide?
- Explain that you can’t stay because you need to collect your children?
All three could be considered the right thing.
It depends on your own priorities, responsibilities and values.
That’s why looking back at past decisions can be so unfair. You’re judging yesterday’s choices with today’s knowledge.
There’s almost always something you could have done better.
But there was probably also something you could have done much worse.
Understanding the Emotions Behind Past Mistakes
Not all uncomfortable emotions are the same. Understanding what you’re feeling can help you move forward.
Guilt
Guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something that goes against your own values or moral compass.
In small amounts, guilt can be helpful. It encourages us to take responsibility, make changes and become better people.
Shame
Shame runs much deeper.
Instead of thinking, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.”
It’s the feeling that you’re somehow flawed or unworthy of love and belonging. Sometimes it comes from messages we’ve heard from other people throughout our lives.
“You should be ashamed of yourself.”
Those words can stay with us for years.
Regret
Regret is wishing you’d chosen differently.
You replay the situation, imagining how life could have turned out if only you’d said something else or taken another path.
Remorse
Remorse is recognising that your actions hurt someone else.
Unlike shame, remorse often motivates us to apologise, make amends where possible and do better in the future.
Why Your Brain Keeps Bringing It Up
If the same memory keeps popping into your mind, it isn’t because your brain wants to punish you.
It’s usually trying to protect you.
Your mind is saying, “Remember what happened last time. Don’t let it happen again.”
The problem is that the version of you who made that decision may be very different from the person you are today.
In all that time, you’ve learned and you’ve grown.
Because you’ve had experiences that changed the way you think.
Holding today’s version of yourself responsible for decisions made years ago isn’t fair.
How to Forgive Yourself
Start by noticing which memories return most often.
Is there a pattern?
Perhaps you tend to lose your temper when you’re overwhelmed. Maybe you avoid difficult conversations. Or perhaps you’ve spent years putting everyone else first and now regret never speaking up for yourself.
Once you understand the pattern, you can work on changing the behaviour rather than endlessly punishing yourself for it.
Sometimes that means apologising to someone.
At other times it means setting healthier boundaries.
And sometimes it simply means accepting that you did the best you could with the knowledge, confidence and resources you had at the time.
One exercise I often suggest is to forgive the younger version of yourself.
Not just saying, “I forgive myself.”
Be much more specific.
“I forgive the 25-year-old me who was overwhelmed, inexperienced and trying her best.”
“I forgive the version of me who didn’t yet know what I know now.”
Imagine writing a letter to that younger version of yourself.
Tell her that things get better – tell her she learns.
Tell her she grows, and tell her that one mistake doesn’t define the rest of her life.
Creating a New Way of Being
Forgiveness isn’t about pretending the past never happened.
It’s about deciding that it no longer gets to control your future.
Think about situations where you might fall back into old habits.
How could you respond differently next time?
Could you pause before reacting?
Take a breath?
Walk away for five minutes?
Ask for help instead of trying to cope alone?
Small changes repeated consistently create lasting change.
If memories from the past still carry a strong emotional charge, IEMT (Integral Eye Movement Techniques) can help reduce the emotion attached to those memories, so they stop replaying in your mind.
And if you’re struggling with self-doubt, self-criticism or finding it difficult to break old patterns, combining hypnotherapy with coaching can help you build a calmer, kinder relationship with yourself.
Because your past no longer needs to define you.