Is this your experience?
Stress has been a constant undercurrent for the past year. You know it’s there, but you’ve been able to hold it back from taking over.
Every day, you’ve been hoping for a break. For someone to come along, take the weight off your shoulders and tell you, “You’ve done enough. You can rest now.”
But instead, as one stressful event ends, another one takes its place! And these are on top of your responsibilities as a wife, mother, career woman…
If you can just keep going without thinking about it, you know you’ll be okay. So you fill your diary with overtime, catch-ups with old friends and spending time with the kids.
The problem is, all those ‘special occasions’ have become tick-box exercises. As you arrive to meet your friends and listen to their problems, you notice you’re watching the clock for when you can go home to bed.
When even sleep doesn’t feel restful
And bed isn’t the comfy, cosy place that gives you relief anymore.
You toss and turn, trying to get to sleep. But all those tasks, worries and responsibilities keep going around and around in your head.
You’ve started to keep a pen and paper by the bed to jot them down, in the hope this lets you sleep. In fact, a glass of wine really helps you switch off, so that’s become your nightcap.
What you don’t realise is that those 3am awakenings with anxious thoughts and your heart racing could actually be made worse by that nightcap.
And that slippery slope gets steeper, quite quickly.
Without realising when it got harder, you’re now coming home from work and going straight to bed, exhausted. You can’t function well enough to stay on top of the housework. You’ve stopped cooking dinner.
You’ve started saying ‘no’ to going out because you’re just too tired. And you’ve noticed you’re snapping at the kids and you even have a short fuse at work.
It’s making you irritable and frustrated and fed up.
You want to escape.
This is the brink of burnout
This is the brink. The very edge. Right before your body gives up and makes you STOP.
If you’ve reached full burnout, you’ll know that the exhaustion spreads and eventually, you stop being able to function properly.
You can’t think straight. It feels like your nervous system is on hyper-alert. And eventually, you just feel numb.
Not wanting to smile. Nothing seems funny. And life feels like you’re wading in treacle.
This is burnout.
Now what?
There’s lots of advice out there. But I’d like to share with you what helped me when I was recovering from burnout.
Because what I describe here is exactly how it felt for me.
Start by asking for help
The first thing you’re likely to do is visit your GP. I think this is a good idea. When you do, ask for the GP who knows the most about mental health.
Your GP may do what mine did: advise you to take time off work and offer you medication. I refused this to begin with, but eventually I realised I wasn’t going to sleep if I didn’t give it a try.
It’s your body and your decision. Do whatever is best for you. Recovering from burnout is a personal journey.
You may be offered counselling, but there may be a waiting list. Again, this is up to you. If you feel that talking about it will help, and you can afford to, I’d suggest seeking out a counsellor who specialises in burnout.
But how can you help yourself?
Give yourself some grace
First of all, give yourself some grace.
You’ve been through a lot. You’re allowed to rest.
Sleep when you can. But don’t fall into the trap of staying in bed all day, every day (burnout can quickly lead to depression).
Communicate how you feel with the people you love. If you can’t say it out loud, pop it in a text message. Tell them you’re struggling right now and you need some time to recuperate.
If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t. But do make sure you’re clear with those around you that you need space and compassion.
Start with tiny, tiny steps
When you’re recovering from burnout, tiny, tiny steps make all the difference.
I remember struggling to even open the front door, let alone go for a walk.
Open the door. Feel the fresh air on your face.
That might be all you can do. That’s fine.
When you’re ready, maybe tomorrow, take a step outside. Eventually, those steps will lead to a walk around the garden, then a walk up the street, and eventually a walk around the block.
Walking won’t feel like you’re doing anything to help, but it is helping. Silently.
Take care of your basic physical needs
Take care of your physical needs. Brush your teeth and wash your face. When you can handle a shower, take one.
Get dressed in the day, but wear whatever feels comfortable, even if that’s fresh ‘daytime’ pyjamas.
Your relationship with food may change when you’re burnt out. You can either end up losing your appetite completely or using food for comfort.
If you’ve lost your appetite, remember that food is fuel. Eat little and often just to keep your body nourished. Sip on whatever drink you like throughout the day. But please don’t avoid food or drink. Your body needs nourishment to support your burnout recovery.
If, on the other hand, you’re turning to comfort food, try balancing it with something nutritious. If you have a bar of chocolate, have some fruit. If you eat crisps, eat some nuts.
Don’t focus on your weight or dieting, because right now you need to prioritise your mental health. Your main goal right now is to recover from burnout.
Notice the things you ARE managing to do
As you do each of these things, congratulate yourself for doing them.
Yes! You got out of bed!
You got dressed!
You stood in the fresh air!
These seemingly tiny achievements are huge when you’re burnt out or depressed.
Encourage yourself to progress each day. One more step. One more tiny achievement.
Remember that right now, you are number one. You must prioritise yourself in order to have enough energy to start supporting others again, eventually.
Rest doesn’t always mean sleep
Earlier, I mentioned rest.
Rest doesn’t mean sleep. It means doing something that takes your mind off your worries, without pressure.
There are different types of rest you can read about. Find the ones you need the most.
Do small acts of self-kindness. It helps to think of yourself as your friend.
What would you do for them?
Make them a cup of tea? Find them a cosy blanket? Put on their favourite TV show?
Only you know what makes you feel good. Cosy, comfortable, calm.
Only you know what used to make you laugh or smile. Have a think back to those times. What did you do? Which of those things can you add today?
Stay connected to the people you love
Be with people you love, even if it’s just to sit and watch TV together. Or have a quick phone call.
Check in with the people you love and, if you don’t feel like talking, tell them you want to hear about their day or something funny that’s happened recently.
It can really lift your spirits.
When you’re ready, look at what else might help
When you’re ready for further support, have a look into what might help.
Would a massage feel good? Maybe going swimming? Or would you like to try out some complementary therapies?
There’s so much out there.
You can probably guess what helped me recover from burnout.
After eight months of medication, counselling, time off work and doing all the strategies I mention here, I finally felt more like myself again.
I also combined this with giving up drinking and volunteering in my local library.
Then my wonderful hypnotherapist appeared and really helped me to heal, on a much deeper level.
When you’re ready, I can help you too.
For now, I’d love to share this free self-compassion audio with you. Listen every day and give yourself that little bit of time to focus on you.
You’ve spent long enough looking after everybody else.
It’s okay to include yourself in that care too.